


One less prob… Oh wait, nevermind

by Martypops123



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: But he doesn't really know it, Deputy Stiles Stilinski, Derek Hale is Bad at Feelings, Derek is Derek, Derek is a Failwolf, Derek is a Softie, F/F, F/M, M/M, Oblivious Derek, Oblivious Stiles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Derek, Pack Dynamics, Pack Mother Stiles Stilinski, Periods, Teacher Derek, what can you do?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:48:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6911557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Martypops123/pseuds/Martypops123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Derek and Stiles are the same age and are grown up and out of University. </p>
<p>Derek is a bit flighty when both his sisters are out to get him during their 'time of the month.' Who does he run to? Stiles, of course. </p>
<p>Not Beta'd. If you'd like to post my work on a third-party website please ask me first and give me credit.</p>
<p>My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/martha_lowe/<br/>My Tumblr: http://martypops123.tumblr.com/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh shit.... RUN

**Author's Note:**

> [A/N] [Disclaimer: Nothing, but the plot of this fic and a few characters belongs to me; all rights to their rightful owners]
> 
> This is the first fic I've ever written so I appreciate constructive criticism.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> BTW spoilers for The Odd Life of Timothy Green

The door slams as Isaac and Paul flee the house like their asses are on fire. The thundering of his sisters footsteps down the stairs is not a comforting sign.

“TRAITORS,” Laura and Cora say in unison.

“Derek?” Laura turns to him with a menacing smile that chills him to his bones. “Be a dear and pop out to the shops for us,” she says scarily sweetly.

‘Oh dear god, it’s finally happened. Someone better start digging his grave, would it be better to be cremated or just be buried? Their ‘time of the month’ has unluckily, for him synchronised. Here lies Derek Hale whose final thought was “Oh shit.” He stumbles backwards and is surprised to find that they’ve cornered him.

“Just for some painkillers and tampons, pretty please,” says Cora.

Already halfway out the door Derek says “Yep, sure, great, coming right up and try not to kill each other while I’m gone. Pretty please,” he mocks, mimicking Cora’s tone. ‘Mistake, abort, abort, get the fuck out, shit’s about to go down, RUN YOU IDIOT RUN.’ Cora growls at him claws out and ready to leap, except Derek is already halfway down the drive his survival instincts never kicking in so quickly before.

 

* * *

 

He gets to the grocery store and parks in the spot nearest to the exit. Slamming the door behind him he walks morosely inside. Heading straight for the confectionary aisle he picks up every sweet, gooey, salty or other substance he can find. Now all that’s left is the feminine hygiene aisle ‘You can do this Derek, just go,’ he thinks heading straight into the aisle and making a hasty U-turn because ‘Oh no there in the aisle is the one and only Stiles Stillinski standing there surveying the aisle.’ You see it is a run on joke in the Hale family that Derek is emotionally constipated and a complete dork when it comes to his crushes.

As Laura once put curtly “Derek could outdo a blushing bride when it comes to one Deputy Stiles Stillinski.”

After going in a continuous circle for about a minute a voice comes from around the corner “Derek, Derek Hale, hey man I didn’t know you were back in town,” says a familiar voice.

“Yep that’s me,” he says “back in town, hello.”

“It’s great to see you, how was New York?” Stiles inquires.

“Uh great, yeah, I just had to finish up my Masters and get a few things sorted before I moved back here,” he sees Stiles side eyeing the enormity of food in his basket. He picks up a box of tampons as an explanation “My sisters,” he states.

“Both, at the same time?” He whisper shouts. 

“Both, at the same time,” Derek states, sounding exhausted. Picking up multiple boxes of tampons, painkillers and pads just in case. “Well anyway, it was nice seeing you but I’ve got to go feed the two reincarnations of Satan.”

Stiles chuckles, “Bye, hey do you feel like hanging out sometime this week?” He questions.

“If I’m still alive, then sure that sounds great bye,” he says tripping over himself at the end of the aisle. Derek blushes to his ears but still holds his head up high as the cackling recedes. The cashier gives him a pitiful look and Derek just thinks, ‘I know, I know.’

 

* * *

 

A plate flying at his head greets him. Ducking just in time he exclaims, “What the flying FUCK is going on here!” 

“FOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” they exclaim in unison once they see him. wait hang on he swears he was standing up a second ago. Instead he’s on his back looking at the two culprits who are already fighting over the shopping bag. Incidentally, it splits in the middle after a few seconds of abuse. He swears that the stain on the ceiling wasn’t there this morning.

Derek groans it’s going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

 

Derek is exhausted; there is no other way to describe it. After being shouted at, emotionally blackmailed and kicked in the shin multiple times he collapses onto the couch. In that moment his phone starts ringing and Stiles’ name pops up on the screen. Derek answers in a tired voice, “Hey,” he says half-heartedly, “What’s up?”

“Hey, Derek,” Stiles greets awkwardly, “now here’s the thing…” he goes.

He recognises that tone of voice, let’s just say it is not looking good for him when Stiles talks in ‘that’ tone of voice. “Stiles,” he growls, “what did you do?”

“Well you know how every year they have that Police Department barbecue and that awful woman Sharon hosts it?” he questions 

“Yes,” Derek says uneasily.

“Well I may have…” he mumbles

“Stiles speak up I can’t hear you,” Derek replies.

“Well I may have said that me and my…” he tapers off.

Derek growls.

“Alright, alright I may have said that me and my boyfriend could host it at his and I may have implied that you are my boyfriend, kinda, sorta, maybe,” He runs on. 

Derek sighs.

“I know, I know but it would just be for a day and you don’t even have to do anything and I’ll come clean about the boyfriend thing and you know what, never mind,” Stiles titters.

“Stiles!” he shouts into the phone to grab his friend’s attention, “It’s fine you can host the barbecue here and I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend,” which was no hardship on Derek’s part really, “when is it?” Derek questions.

“Wait, hold up, just take a few steps back, really you’re okay with that with people thinking we’re a couple,” Stiles says interrupting his own train of thought.

“Yeah, sure what harm could come of it,” a lot really but Derek isn’t thinking about that for now. That thought has been shut up along with his dignity after this week. 

“My dad dude,” Stiles says as if it’s obvious. 

‘Oh shit,’ Derek thinks, ‘that’s not good.’

“But we can invite the rest of the pack and stuff for the barbecue this Friday,” Stiles says eagerly, “It’s not like my dad blames you for all the supernatural shit that went down during high school now that he’s in on the secret.”

“I’ll ask my sister and see what she thinks about it,” Derek sighs in defeat.

“It was nice knowing you Derek, good luck.” Stiles says.

‘I’ll need it’ Derek thinks, once Stiles has hung up.

Telling Laura that there were tons of people coming in four days was easier than he expected. He only broke and healed four bones in total, so it’s a win, win situation really. (Did you catch the sarcasm there, just that tiny bit, just reread it if you didn’t). As Derek fell asleep to the sound of arguing his last thought was I wonder if Stiles likes rainbows.

 

* * *

 

He wakes to the sound of crying and someone bawling their eyes out, or should he say some ones. Derek groans ‘another day of taking care of Satan’s minions.’ 

“Derek,” someone whines from downstairs.

He heads down.

“It’s not fair Derek, he lost all his leaves Derek and then he dies Derek, he dies!!” complains Laura.

‘Oh no this is bad,’ he thinks, ‘they’ve found The Odd Life of Timothy Green, he hid that on purpose.’ 

This is the point where any sane person would back away slowly. Unfortunately it’s early and Derek’s never really been all there anyway so he tries to comfort them, oh how he was mistaken. Let’s just say it ends with Derek running off to Stiles calling Paul and Isaac telling them to take car of their respective girlfriends like they should ‘this is not the emotional and physical bashing he should be enduring anymore,’ he pleads to them on the phone.

Derek stands in front of Stiles' house, shifting from foot to foot. Coming to Stiles’ house seemed like a good idea at the time but now he’s not sure. Though the sound of a car coming up the driveway doesn’t give him much choice. He turns on his heel and gives an awkward wave in Stiles’ direction. Even he knows it’s awkward, oh god.

“Hey, Derek what are you doing here?” Stiles questions, getting out of his dilapidated jeep.

“Um, well you see, the thing is…” he stutters.

“Sisters?” Stiles looks at him curiously.

“Yeah,” Derek sighs, “could I possibly stay till the barbeque, they found the sad movie collection that I hid.”

“Ooooh, that’s bad but anyway adult sleepover, wait no, you know that’s not what I meant.” Stiles points an accusing finger at Derek.

As Derek chuckles he here’s a low whistle behind him and turns around to find ‘Oh god, it’s Sharon,’ Derek thinks. 

“Well Stillinski, you never told me he was this hot, hey you,” she says referring to Derek, “what are you doing with a guy like that when you could have. So. Much. More.” 

“No thanks,” he says nonchalantly, nervous about what he’s about to do, “I gave up that bat a long time ago,” he states stepping next to Stiles putting an arm around his shoulder and kissing his cheek. Stiles tenses up and then relaxes into Derek’s side. 

“I believe that’s your cue,” Stiles states, smirking, and they stroll towards the house together.

Once they’re inside Stiles rambles, “I’m so sorry Derek I know that was really awkward for you to do and like…”

“Stiles! It’s fine,” Derek says.

“Are you sure?” Stiles questions.

 “Yes, okay let’s just move on,” Derek says hurriedly, blushing slightly.

 “Great,” Stiles smiles, “What do you want for dinner?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have exams at the moment so I don't know when I'll upload next but maybe at the end of next week or the week after that and when I do the next chapter probably won't be as long as this. If you like the fic please leave a comment so that I know to continue the story (even if it's just one person). Have any of you watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green it's sad, I bawled my eyes out.


	2. Der-bear, Pumpkin or Booboo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry that this took so long hope you guys like it! My cousin is complaining that I’m not telling her what happens later in the story. But I promise it’s good. *Laughs evilly*

Derek and Stiles were sitting in front of the television, surrounded by empty pizza boxes, when Stiles groans, “That fifth pizza was a mistake.”

“And I thought I ate a lot,” Derek says.

“Hey I’m a growing boy!” He complains.

“Stiles you’re 25, you’re hardly a boy,” Derek replies.

“Awww, Der-bear you do care,” Stiles says when Derek gets up to bring him a blanket.

“Don’t call me Der-bear,” Derek blushes.

“What about… Pumpkin or what about Booboo?” Stiles questions jokingly.

Derek grows a deeper shade of scarlet with each word; he groans, “Stop, just no.”  
“You said you’d never bring that up,” Derek complains.

“I lied,” Stiles replies bluntly, “but it’s okay only about two-thirds of your social circle know the name of your first three teddy-bears. Which being that your social circle exists of me, your sisters, their partners, Vernon and Erica, is admittedly not saying much.”

“I gave myself a nickname and then gave it to a bear! How could three-year old me not see the repercussions,” Derek says.

Stiles just laughs, Derek frowns, Stiles laughs harder it’s a never-ending cycle really.

* * *

 

They’re both still sitting on the couch with their feet up watching Modern Family.  
When Derek looks to his left and has to put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from cooing. ‘No stop it I don’t coo, Derek Jacob Hale does not coo!’ he thinks. He didn’t take photos, none okay, NONE. Okay, maybe a few… but purely for research purposes.

* * *

 

Derek wakes up with a crick in his neck and a line of heat pressed against his side. He stretches one hand and hears a loud oomph followed by a litany of curses.

“Shit, fuck, motherfucker, owwwww.” Stiles swears from the floor where he sits no, lies on the floor clutching the back of his head. “That hurt like a bitch, you dick.” He curses.

“Well good morning to you to asshole.” Derek replies, it is a thing they do, don’t judge him. “Coffee?” Derek asks.

“Coffee!” Stiles groans.

Derek gets dressed into an olive sweater (WITH THUMBHOLES*) and jeans. He approaches the kitchen intent on making two cups of coffee without bumping into anything. He succeeds at turning the monstrosity that is Stiles’ coffee machine in under 15 minutes. ‘New record, yay me!’ Derek thinks and does a little dance. Which then turns into a jump and something that sounds akin to a yowl when someone, Stiles, clears their throat behind him.

“And you call yourself a werewolf,” Stiles snickers, “you might want to use those ears sometime, after all you didn’t grow into them for nothing right?”

“I did not need to grow into them for the last time.” Derek half growls, half whines.

“Sure you didn’t Dumbo,” Stiles remarks.

Somehow Stiles ends up with his ass on the floor with no Coffee while Derek makes his way towards the droning television sipping smugly out of his own mug. It’s a mystery really.

* * *

 

“Right so what’s the story?” Stiles asks.

“What story?” Derek replies.

“How did we, you know get together?” Stiles questions.

“Who cares?” Derek says.

“We need to set up the story for our fake relationship, our Fakelationship if you will. Who asked who out, how long have we been dating, who wakes up first, what stage of the relationship we are? These are important questions Derek.” Stiles rants.

“Well obviously you’d ask me out.” Derek says.

“Why?” Stiles questions.

“I don’t know because I’d dance around the topic and I think that you’d become so stressed that you’d crack, say fuck it and ask me out.” Derek supplies quickly.

“Okay and let’s say that we started dating when I came over to New York last New Years while you were getting your Masters in English Literature.” Stiles replies. “I asked you at midnight because I wanted to finish and start my year with a kiss from you, something sappy like that, people eat that shit up.”

Derek can practically hear his heart break at how much he wants what Stiles is saying to be true but he knows it never will be.

“So that means we’ll have been dating for 7 months, would we be considering living together… no not yet I don’t think so. Hey who can we tell about this relationship being fake?” Stiles rants.

“One person each,” Derek suggests, “you could tell Scott and I’ll probably tell Boyd.”

“Okay cool, now that we’ve got that sorted out do you want to watch Orange is the New Black.” Stiles settles into the sofa oblivious to the eyes watching him with admiration.

* * *

 

Stiles heads off to work an hour later leaving Derek with the keys and an invitation to stay as long as he wants just as long as he leaves the keys in the flowerpot once he goes.

So Derek takes a leisurely shower and readies himself to return home to his sisters to get a fresh set of clothes.

* * *

 

He regrets this decision so very much when he comes home to the smell of sex filling the house.

“Fuck,” he exclaims, “this was a new sofa.” He complains as he looks at what could once be called a sofa, now it looks more like a recently single drunk person's DIY project however with more structural integrity. (Admittedly that’s not saying much but Derek’s mother always said ‘give credit where credit’s due.’)

“Sorry Der-bear we’ll clean it up later.” He hears four voices say in synchronisation two using the nickname mockingly and the other two seriously. Thank god he can hear that the couples are in two separate bedrooms he couldn’t handle imagining… he shivers at the thought. He quickly grabs a fresh set of clothes and runs out of the house like his ass is on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you’ll get this reference later in the book. Also I feel like Boyd and Derek’s friendship in Teen Wolf was downplayed so I want to play with that a bit more in the story. Also you got a hint at what Derek does for a living (Stiles doesn’t know either) comment down below with your guesses. I’ve really been getting into Orange is the New Black lately what are your favourite TV shows any recommendations (comment below)? As always I love hearing feedback and the next chapter should be up soon.


	3. Bakeries and Blackmail

He goes to Boyd’s house to work because his home is neither an appropriate or amiable working environment. He rings the doorbell and Boyd opens it and welcomes him inside.

“Hey Derek? How are you?” Boyd asks.

“Great,” Derek says sarcastically.

Boyd invites him to lie on the couch and to tell him ‘How he feels about that?’

Derek punches him in the arm, glares and moves to sit on the couch.

“Okay, but seriously. How are you? How’s Stiles? Still harbouring a major crush on him?”

Derek groans and hides his face in his hands and says “It sounds so childish when you say it like that.”

“Wait so do you like him or do you like like him?” Erica says entering the room in her best teenage girl voice.

“Would you quit that Erry?” Derek whines.

Erica giggles and ruffles his hair. “But I love teasing you it’s my favourite thing in the world.” She says sarcastically, batting her eyelashes

Derek perturbed buries his head in his hands and then gets back to work, ignoring the mocking jabs from both Erica and Boyd.

 

* * *

 

He gets about three pages of work written before he just can’t anymore. His mind too preoccupied with the barbeque this weekend to write anything good. He saves his work and then saves it again to be sure before he closes his laptop. He gets up to grab a beer from the fridge when he hears his phone ring from the next room.

 

* * *

 

“Right so basically you want me to, what?! Stiles don’t patronise me, yes I know what that is… Of course, I’ll go get it now.”

“BOYD, What the fuck is Millefeuille?”

 

* * *

 

“So it’s a french pastry with custard… Where the hell am I supposed to find 100 of these?” Derek asks.

“I know just the place.”

 

* * *

 

“How the hell do you know about this place?” Derek says, walking into about the fanciest bakery he’s ever seen. 

“It’s run by a friend of mine I met in culinary school, Andrew” Boyd replies.

“Hey Boyd long time no see!” The slight man, a brunette with a short clipped beard, most probably Andrew enthuses and then slowly spins in a circle. “What do you think of the place?”

“Not too shabby, though the logo could use a bit of work.” Boyd mocks.

“You bastard, always were the funny one weren’t you?” Andrew emerges from behind the counter, wipes his flour-caked hands on his apron and embraces Boyd.

“So what’ll it be today?” Andrew questions walking back behind the counter. 

“Millefeuille, strawberry and white chocolate. Do you still make those?” Boyd asks.

“Yep, sure do. When do you want them ready for?” 

“Saturday morning.” Boyd states.

“Okay that’s fine, see you then!” Andrew bubbles

“By the way, I ain’t kidding about the logo, my fiancé is a graphic designer, I’m sure she’d by happy to whip something up!” Boyd tells Andrew. “Derek you go ahead and take my car home. I think I’m going to stay with Andrew and catch up. See you later!”

 

* * *

 

Derek sends a quick text to his sister to at least make sure the place is tidy and clean before Saturday morning and asks her to leave a duffel bag with two sets of clothes outside the house. He gets out the parked car and goes to knock on Stiles’ door. He hears Christmas music blaring throughout the house and Stiles singing along at the top of his lungs. He then devises a plan. He opens the door quietly so as not to disturb Stiles and gets his phone out. He takes a video of Stiles in the kitchen singing and dancing while baking, for blackmail purposes of course. While filming he clears his throat and says; “If i was a serial killer you’d be dead right now.” What happens next is something Derek concludes to be quote ‘the funniest shit he’s ever seen in his life.’

It starts out rather tame, with the routine swearing and dropping the plastic bowl he was holding. This bowl filled, of course with sticky cake mix then covers Stiles as if it was embracing an old friend. Stiles, innocently enough staggers backwards. This then results in him putting his foot in the bowl and falling on his backside. Bringing the flour, cinnamon and sugar with him. These bags promptly land on his head, stomach and foot in that order. However not nearly satisfied with the mess he’s already made Stiles grabs the cupboard door in an attempt to stand up, which promptly brakes and sends a few dishes clattering to the door.

Stiles just looks at him from he floor still completely taken aback by Derek's sudden appearance. Hit by what had just happened, Stiles' face turns the darkest shade of red Derek had ever seen.

Derek meanwhile, has been shitting himself with laughter (like a good friend) and capturing the whole thing on his phone. When it seems like Stiles is done destroying his kitchen, Derek steps into the fray with a mild-mannered, “Are you okay?” 

Stiles in his current state does not have the means to summon up the words that express how he feels conveys his feelings through multiple hand gestures that makes it seem very clear about ‘How not okay he is right now.’

 

* * *

 

Derek may be cruel. But he’s not that cruel. He helps Stiles to the bathroom so he can take a shower and then starts to clean the kitchen. Stiles once finished with his shower helps and the get the kitchen cleaned within half an hour. Derek promises to reattach the cupboard door first thing tomorrow. 

It then occurs to Stiles to ask meekly, “How long had you been standing been standing behind me?” already fearing the answer. He looks at Derek and at the same time realises that by the look on Derek's face? Derek must have been filming and laughing at him long enough for him to double over with still more laughter at Stiles’ current state of horror. Stiles having been thoroughly outwitted by himself and inanimate objects nods and goes to sleep.


End file.
